Christianize It Baby!

Okay, my reasons it might not be nice but I like it when the CBD (Christian Book Distributors) catalog comes in the mail.  I love to look at all the merchandise and how the industry is able to Christianize just about anything.  From coffee mugs to book lights, you can slap a scripture verse on just about anything.  It makes me laugh.  It is so ridiculous, I have to laugh.  I am not sure why we feel the need to do this kind of thing.  It is almost like we think that there is something ungodly or worldly by just enjoying things in their original form.  That somehow, it is not okay to just sit with a friend and have coffee but we need to serve the coffee in a mug that has a clever scripture on it.  That somehow we will taste the divine (call me old school but I think the Divine will come from an honest, shared conversation).  I myself have donned some interesting  ‘witnessing’ tee shirts in my day (What is great about these type of shirts is that they are suppose to say it all so you don’t have to).  So, when I make fun of these things, know I am making fun of myself as well.  I thought I would share some of my favorites with you (if you have any of these in your home please don’t take it personally).It is okay to laugh…really it is… cause they have asked for it.

Almighty Clothing Hangers

Almighty Clothing Hangers

Kids will have a whole new attitude about hanging up their clothes with our set of four Almighty Heroes handcrafted wood hangers.

So what your telling me is that if buy these hangers form my son, I will no longer have to look at his shirts all at the bottom of his closet?  That his attitude will change and he will even WANT to hang up his cloths?  Humm... I think I would have a better chance If I tell him that these 'Almighty Hereo' will beat the crap out of him if he doesn't hang up his shirts... that might be more promising.

Lighted Whistle Key Ring

Lighted Whistle Key Ring

Careful and Key-full? Key chain with red LED flashlight and safety whistle. Inscription, " God's Word warns us of danger and directs us to hidden treasure." Psalm 19:11

 Really? A Christian rape whistle? I don't know about you but I would rather they take off the scripture verse and put the money towards rigging this thing with some pepper spray.

The Full Armor of God:
             Christian Character-Building Costume

Dress your kids for spiritual success! Includes one plactic helmet of salvation, breastplate of righteousness, belt of truth, Spirit of the Word sword, shield of faith, shin guards-and parent guide.

You mean to say that my 6 year old boy is going to put this on and listen while I teach him a Bible lesson about charcter building?Yeah, my 6 year old is gonna put this on, go fight a dragon (and by fight, I mean wack in the shins and by dragon, I mean his brother) and then rescue the damsel in distress (the cat).  Can't we jsut call it a Knight costume for pete's sake.

Testamints

Testamints

These mints will trasform how you share your faith with others.  Gone are the days of the akwardness of trying to bring Jesus up in a conversation. No, now all you have to do is hand them a mint, walk away and let God do the rest.  These refreshly spiritual mints come in 2 flavors. 

Okay, so i made up that entire description. I have actually tried this product and have to say it was the best tasting mint I have had in my entire life. 

Too Blessed to be Stressed Mug

Sassy Striped ceramic mug is good for all seasons, and a bold reminder of our blessings.  Reverse side of mug says, It's All Good.   

These mugs were either made by someone who doesn't have children or know to fill the bottom up with Kahlua  before they add the coffee. 

Taste & See Cupcake Holder

Taste and See Cupcake  Plate
Serve up savory treat - and spiritual truth - on this ceramic stand.  Scripture quote from Psalm 34:8, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." 

Do we really need to spiritualize cupcakes? Just eat the damn cupcake.

Bible Land

A "nutritious" alternative to Candy Land!  Exciting Bible stories lead players around the game board to heaven - the ultimate goal. 

I have always suspected that the orgininal Candy Land was worldly and of the Devil. All those cute characters and yummy candy.... I think it might be the 'gateway' drug to board games... First, it's Candy Land then it is straight to the Ouija board. I wouldn't be suprised to find out that the King at the end of the game is really the witch from Hansel & Gretel and she is gonna eat you for playing a sinful game,  you naughty little children!

Bibleopoly

Monopoly's enjoyable, but the unadulterated greed doesn't help you practice what you preach!  Try building curches instead of hotels - and lose a turn by landing on "Go Meditate". Accumulate Good Deeds not wealth!

I saved the best for last... this one cracks me up.  The board spaces are all Biblical cities.  You win the game by being the first to build a church... the Go to Jail" space is now the Abyss... I want to know what the player pieces are?  If it were me I would have: Jesus, a camel, a sandal,  a basket filled with bread & fish, Lazaras coming out of the tomb with all the grave cloths still on, and a Fishing boat.  I have to have this game... this is a shamless plug...my birthday is in December.  (warning: if you get this for me, I will make you play it with me).

A Letter to Myself....

[I thought writing a letter to my breakdown-self from my future-self might be an fitting way to end the Thread of Anxiety series… Thanks for going on this journey with me]


            Kathy,

I know the past few months have been some of the hardest of your life.  It feels so dark. So heavy.  I know you feel helpless, hopeless.  That you are slowly losing your mind.  I know it takes every ounce of your strength to get out of bed in the morning and face the day.  You feel like a failure because you can’t pull yourself out of this pit you are sinking into.  I know the thought of your life ending is a welcome one.  You are hanging on by a thread, a thread that has worn thin. 

But it is not over.  This is not the end.  I know it is hard to believe but you will make it through this.  The rain will stop and the sun will shine again . You will laugh again.  You will feel joy and happiness.  The medication will work… keep taking it.  Your sanity will return.  You will begin to understand yourself and God in a whole new way.  You will take in a deep breath and feel as though you are breathing in God himself, taking in his goodness and love for you and his complete acceptance of you.  You will begin to feel whole and complete, even in your brokenness, and experience freedom you never dreamed possible.

And that guy, the one you think is totally crazy for dating you right now and should run for the hills?  He doesn’t run. In fact, he marries you.  Crazies and all.  He will be such a source of comfort and strength in your life.  A bright spot in the days ahead so be nice to him.  You will also have a couple of kids, who you will love more than you thought possible.   Oddly enough, they will also cause you to want to hide in the closet with the cordless phone and a large bottle of vodka (I should just write you a separate letter about all of that).

Although it seems impossible, good will come out of this.  It is going to totally change the way you see yourself and the way you see God.  It will give you an understanding about mental illness that you never had before.  You will have more compassion and empathy for others who are struggling.  And, if you are brave enough to share your story about what you went though (and continue to go through) maybe it can give a little hope to those who feel hopeless.  A ray of sunshine to those in the darkness because the darkness can feel really dark.  And maybe some comfort for those who feel so alone in their pain.  To know they are not alone and that there are people who understand. Who have been there.  Who have survived.

Love, Me

Behavior Modification and Missing the Point Completely….

[I know I have been sharing about Anxiety and I left you hanging in the last post but I will finish the story...I promise....just not today.]

For so long I have lived in a culture that has been all about modifying behavior.  Although it is never put in such terms, it’s what it boils down to.  People talk about the heart, about what is going on in the inside but the focus always seems to come back to behavior; what you’re  “doing” or “not doing”.  Avoid the “bad” behaviors and excel at the “good” ones.  What is deemed as “good” or “bad” varies from church to church but it usually doesn’t take long to figure out what they are.  From my experience, behavior modification and truth growth are completely opposite of one another.

I find that observing my behavior and asking myself the question, “why am I doing what I am doing?” is far more beneficial than just trying to change my behavior.  My behavior can give me valuable insight into what is really going on deep down inside.  It gives me a heads up that maybe something isn’t okay.  It can tell me something about my own hurt, my own pain. 

It is difficult to look inside.  To look at things I would rather keep hidden.  To come to terms with the ways I have been hurt and they ways I have hurt others.  Who wants to look at that?  Who wants to sit in a therapist office and realize that the reason you don’t wear dresses isn’t because you find them uncomfortable or impractical….. but rather because you are afraid people will laugh at you…… because deep down you don’t feel like a real woman ( more to come on that whole mess).  Let me tell you how fun that is.

As I am focusing less on my behavior and more on what is going on deep down inside, I am experiencing a freedom a have never known, one that I didn’t know was even possible.  I’m  not so worried about whether I am doing something wrong (or right for that matter) but seeing it all as a process.  A process of becoming.  Becoming who I want to be, who I was made to be.  I am learning how to yield to that process and let God work things out in me.   In His time, not mine or anyone else’s. I am learning to lean into the pain, into the discomfort of becoming.  And no, it’s not easy but it is worth it. 

The Way of Love....

I have been thinking a lot about what happened in North Carolina last week.  I have to admit that the whole debate of civil unions and gay marriage has been a difficult issue for me to navigate through.  I feel caught between two worlds.  In one world, homosexuality is often seen as a sin above other sins.  There is a fear that if society accepts homosexuality it will open a gateway to all sorts for evil and will be the downfall of life as we know it.  And although you hear, “Love the sinner, hate the sin” I really don’t see much of that happening.  So, I feel ashamed.  Ashamed of my fellow Christians who put forth an attitude of distain or even hatred.  Ashamed of myself for the times my own heart has been judgmental and condemning . 

Then there is the other world I live it.  A broken world, with imperfect people, attempting to find their way. A world where people are trying to figure out who they are and where they fit.  This world is complex and messy.  There are few easy answers.  Honestly, it is in this world that I feel the most safe and free to figure things out.  There is an acceptance that I have rarely felt in the Christian world.  And so, I feel torn.  I live with this tension.  I am trying to find the balance.

As I ponder these things, I am beginning to find the balance I seek.  A middle ground of sorts.  Although I do question the morality of homosexuality (something I am in the process of reevaluating,) I do not question that their civil rights should be any less than my own.  Our country was founded on this very notion and everyone should be treated with dignity, respect and equality, regardless of differing codes of morality. I don’t want the popular majority to be able to vote to take away people’s rights.  The ramifications of that could be disastrous.  I have no doubt that everyone engages in some behavior that other people find morally wrong.  Do we want to go down that road? Tit for Tat? If we do, I think it could get pretty damn messy.

So I find myself in a strange place.  A difficult place really.  Sort of stuck in the middle of a war.  A war in which I can’t fully align myself with either side.  A place where I often fear I will be misunderstood.  It can be pretty overwhelming at times.  Then I think about Jesus.  About how I am to love others in the same way I would want to be loved. And things become a little bit clearer.  I want people to accept me, even if they don’t agree with me.  To understand, that I am in a process.  That it is not my intention to hurt anyone as I wade through the difficulties of figuring out who I am and where I belong.  I want people to be patient with me.  So, that is what I want to give others.  Love.  Acceptance. Understanding. I want to dig down deep and grab on to the courage that will allow me to love in ways that others may disagree with. And I am hoping that others will respond in kind.  That they will be able to love me deeply, for who I am and where I am at.  I hate to use a cliché but I really do think ‘love is the answer’ to this difficult debate.  Without it, I fear we will only draw battle lines and devour one another. 

So, I choose Love.

Lollipops, Bananas & Bathrobes

When I was in college, I was involved in a Campus Ministry.  During the summer of 1992, I attended what was called a “Summer Project”.  These projects were located all over the US and designed to help Christian college students grow in their faith.  The Project I attended was located in Ocean City, NJ.  There were approximately 100 students that travel from all over the country to be part of the Project.  We all lived in a three story house, about 2 blocks from the beach.  Floors were divided by gender, each floor having its own community bathroom.  Needless to say, shower to person ratio was not the greatest.  To help this, there were 3 outside enclosed showers that people could use.  This is where the weirdness began.  When the girls went down to the extra showers they typically threw on a bathrobe and grabbed their toilet caddy.  To get to the showers, they had to walk through the common area of the house.  Partway through the summer, the girls were asked (by leadership) to wear regular clothes down to the showers, not a bathrobe.  Apparently, seeing a girl in a bathrobe was causing some of the guys to “stumble”.  I guess knowing that the girl was naked under her bathrobe was too much for them.  I was afraid to point out that no matter what we were wearing, we are ALWAYS naked underneath. Who knows what the ramifications might have been for that.   But wanting to love our “brothers” the girls complied ( I might add that we then banned them from being shirtless in the common area, as retaliation).

That same summer, the staff member that was mentoring me had a ‘delicate’ conversation with me about my bra.  Apparently, you could see part of my bra when I wore a sundress.  And as you can guess, it could have been a stumbling block to the guys. Did I mention that my bra was a sports bra? You know the kind… made of cotton, white in color, unsexy as hell.  Needless to say, I was so embarrassed and confused.  I mean, hadn’t I seen women were these things running….with no shirt…just the bra. If the conversation wasn’t bad enough, my mentor wanted to take me bra shopping.  Yup, that’s right, wanted to take my 21 year old ass out bra shopping.  Although it was framed in the context of a “fun girls’ time”, it didn’t feel very fun to me.  My incompetence as a young woman seemed clear to me; I was unable to pick out appropriate under garments for myself.  It really sucked.  But wanting to “love my brothers” and have my mentors’ approval, I went.

Many of my friends from UNH attended these Summer projects as well.  When we all gathered for the fall semester, we were able to compare notes.  I found out that the Project I was on, was not the only one that had to deal with this issue over the summer.  Apparently, girls on other projects were asked to refrain from eating bananas and lollipops in front of the guys. I guess it made them think of oral sex.

Throughout college we got a lot of this kind of crap.  We were told how guys were much more ‘visual’ and how hard it was for them to see girls in two piece bathing suits.  That as young women, we need to help the young men by dressing modestly.  Really, if we could be as asexual as possible, it would be greatly appreciated.  Don’t get me wrong, I get how hard it is for guys. They are faced with an impossible task.  They are told to never think of sex, to see women as their ‘sisters in Christ’ and that masturbation was wrong.  So, they were pretty much screwed (or not in this case).

What bothers me so, is that there is a responsibility put on women that never should be.  There seems to be a lack of boundaries.  A confusion of who is responsible for what.  Each one of us is responsible for our thoughts and actions.  Conversely, no one is responsible for another person’s thoughts or actions. It is not only unrealistic but unhealthy to put that responsibility on someone else.  If I am eating a banana and a guy is imagining that I am performing oral sex on him, that is 100% his problem… not mine.  And it should never be put on me.

It can have a real negative impact on a woman.  That she is constantly doing things that are causing someone else to sin.  It can make her self conscious about her own body. That there is something wrong with her sexuality.  It makes her want to cover up that part of her, that God given part.  I think it can have a negative impact on men as well.  I think they feel dirty and ashamed.  Powerless over their own sex drive.  That they are at the mercy of someone else’s actions.

I wonder if part of the problem is that our sexuality is often repressed.  This is especially true in the Christian subculture.  It is pushed down, buried and not allowed to be seen or acknowledged until the words, “I Do” are uttered.  Now, sex and sexuality are different to me.  Sex is an expression of our sexuality, not sexuality itself.  Sexuality on the other hand is something that is a part of us from the day we are born until the day we die.  A person may never have sex but that does not mean they are devoid of sexuality.  I will be the first one to say that I am all for people waiting until they are married but I am so NOT for the repression of a person’s sexuality. It is so damaging and can make for a very difficult and confusing sex life.

I want to see sexuality differently.  I want my Christian community to see it differently.  I want them to teach that there is no shame in our sexuality.  That it is normal to think about sex ALL the time (especially for teens and young adults). That masturbation is not wrong. I want men to stop blaming women for their lack of control.  I want women to not feel responsible for what a man thinks. I want men and women to take responsibly for their own thoughts and actions and to know that they are not powerless when it comes to their sexuality. I want to teach these things to my sons.  I want them to grow up without shame.  I want them to have a healthy view of themselves.  I want them to fully embrace every part of who God has made them to be.

Sexuality

A women’s sexuality is an interesting thing.  A Christian woman’s sexuality is even more interesting.  It is a part of a person that is rarely nurtured or given adequate attention to.  We go to school to nurture our minds, the gym to nurture our bodies, and church to nurture our spirits.  But our sexuality is often left to develop, all on its’ own, in a haphazard sort of way.  As I reflect on my own sexuality, I feel a deep sadness at the lack of attention given to it.  I feel angry too.  Angry about things people have said and done that have had a negative impact on how I view myself, my body and my sexuality. This topic is too vast to be explore in just one blog post…. So, hang on to your hats ‘cause the next few blogs are going to be dedicated to Sex and Sexuality. 

Scars and Wounds

Growing up can be hard.  It can leave a person with a lot of scars.  Physical, Sexual, Emotional.  As I venture into the deeper parts of me, the scars are becoming more apparent.  Although, I don’t know if I would call them scars.  They’re more like wounds.  A scar is something we’re left with, after a wound has healed.  It tells a story.  It reminds us of something we made it through. Something painful, something traumatic.  Wounds are not like that.  They are fresh, raw, open.  They leave us exposed.  They require a tender, gentle, understanding touch.  Yeah, I have wounds….

Now, they say that time heals all wounds.  That has not been my experience.  Some of my wounds are 35 years old. I have been able to push them down really deep. Cover them with a ton of bandages. But underneath, they are there still wounds.  Fresh, raw, open.   

Some of the wounds I have from childhood are related to my femininity and sexuality.  The two are so interconnected, it is hard to separate them.  For my entire adult life, I have struggled with these issues and the process is slow going.  As I unravel the bandages and expose what is underneath, Jesus has tenderly put salve on my wounds and healing has begun.  Someday, these wounds will become scars. Beautiful Scars…

Healing & Wholeness

The other day, I was reading about a woman in the Bible who had suffered greatly. She had been bleeding for years, 16 to be exact. She had spent every penny she had on doctors, in hopes of being healed. It never happened. And now she was desperate. This is where Jesus enters the picture. He was surrounded by a crowd but she made her way to him, unnoticed. She thought that if only she could touch his robe, she would be healed. She did and she was. Healed. When Jesus figured out all that had happened he said to her, "You took a risk in trusting me and now you are healed and whole...". Healed and whole... those words bring tears to my eyes. I long to be healed and made whole. I guess that is what this blog is all about....my journey in taking a risk to find healing and wholeness. There are things I have buried down deep. Really deep and the thought of digging them up and talking about them scares me to death. Terrifies me actually. But I don't know any other way for healing to begin. The time has come and although it feels risky, I am going to take His hand and walk into the recesses of me. He wants to heal me and make me whole but only if I am ready. I am.