Monday, August 6, 2012

Christianize It Baby!

Okay, my reasons it might not be nice but I like it when the CBD (Christian Book Distributors) catalog comes in the mail.  I love to look at all the merchandise and how the industry is able to Christianize just about anything.  From coffee mugs to book lights, you can slap a scripture verse on just about anything.  It makes me laugh.  It is so ridiculous, I have to laugh.  I am not sure why we feel the need to do this kind of thing.  It is almost like we think that there is something ungodly or worldly by just enjoying things in their original form.  That somehow, it is not okay to just sit with a friend and have coffee but we need to serve the coffee in a mug that has a clever scripture on it.  That somehow we will taste the divine (call me old school but I think the Divine will come from an honest, shared conversation).  I myself have donned some interesting  ‘witnessing’ tee shirts in my day (What is great about these type of shirts is that they are suppose to say it all so you don’t have to).  So, when I make fun of these things, know I am making fun of myself as well.  I thought I would share some of my favorites with you (if you have any of these in your home please don’t take it personally).It is okay to laugh…really it is… cause they have asked for it.

Almighty Clothing Hangers
Almighty Clothing Hangers
Kids will have a whole new attitude about hanging up their clothes with our set of four Almighty Heroes handcrafted wood hangers.
So what your telling me is that if buy these hangers form my son, I will no longer have to look at his shirts all at the bottom of his closet?  That his attitude will change and he will even WANT to hang up his cloths?  Humm... I think I would have a better chance If I tell him that these 'Almighty Hereo' will beat the crap out of him if he doesn't hang up his shirts... that might be more promising.

Lighted Whistle Key Ring
Lighted Whistle Key Ring
Careful and Key-full? Key chain with red LED flashlight and safety whistle. Inscription, " God's Word warns us of danger and directs us to hidden treasure." Psalm 19:11
 Really? A Christian rape whistle? I don't know about you but I would rather they take off the scripture verse and put the money towards rigging this thing with some pepper spray.

The Full Armor of God:
             Christian Character-Building Costume
Dress your kids for spiritual success! Includes one plactic helmet of salvation, breastplate of righteousness, belt of truth, Spirit of the Word sword, shield of faith, shin guards-and parent guide.
You mean to say that my 6 year old boy is going to put this on and listen while I teach him a Bible lesson about charcter building?Yeah, my 6 year old is gonna put this on, go fight a dragon (and by fight, I mean wack in the shins and by dragon, I mean his brother) and then rescue the damsel in distress (the cat).  Can't we jsut call it a Knight costume for pete's sake.

These mints will trasform how you share your faith with others.  Gone are the days of the akwardness of trying to bring Jesus up in a conversation. No, now all you have to do is hand them a mint, walk away and let God do the rest.  These refreshly spiritual mints come in 2 flavors. 
Okay, so i made up that entire description. I have actually tried this product and have to say it was the best tasting mint I have had in my entire life. 

Too Blessed to be Stressed Mug
Sassy Striped ceramic mug is good for all seasons, and a bold reminder of our blessings.  Reverse side of mug says, It's All Good.   
These mugs were either made by someone who doesn't have children or know to fill the bottom up with Kahlua  before they add the coffee. 

Taste & See Cupcake Holder
Taste and See Cupcake  Plate
Serve up savory treat - and spiritual truth - on this ceramic stand.  Scripture quote from Psalm 34:8, "Taste and see that the Lord is good." 

Do we really need to spiritualize cupcakes? Just eat the damn cupcake.

Bible Land
A "nutritious" alternative to Candy Land!  Exciting Bible stories lead players around the game board to heaven - the ultimate goal. 
I have always suspected that the orgininal Candy Land was worldly and of the Devil. All those cute characters and yummy candy.... I think it might be the 'gateway' drug to board games... First, it's Candy Land then it is straight to the Ouija board. I wouldn't be suprised to find out that the King at the end of the game is really the witch from Hansel & Gretel and she is gonna eat you for playing a sinful game,  you naughty little children!

Monopoly's enjoyable, but the unadulterated greed doesn't help you practice what you preach!  Try building curches instead of hotels - and lose a turn by landing on "Go Meditate". Accumulate Good Deeds not wealth!
I saved the best for last... this one cracks me up.  The board spaces are all Biblical cities.  You win the game by being the first to build a church... the Go to Jail" space is now the Abyss... I want to know what the player pieces are?  If it were me I would have: Jesus, a camel, a sandal,  a basket filled with bread & fish, Lazaras coming out of the tomb with all the grave cloths still on, and a Fishing boat.  I have to have this game... this is a shamless birthday is in December.  (warning: if you get this for me, I will make you play it with me).

A Letter to Myself....

[I thought writing a letter to my breakdown-self from my future-self might be an fitting way to end the Thread of Anxiety series… Thanks for going on this journey with me]

I know the past few months have been some of the hardest of your life.  It feels so dark. So heavy.  I know you feel helpless, hopeless.  That you are slowly losing your mind.  I know it takes every ounce of your strength to get out of bed in the morning and face the day.  You feel like a failure because you can’t pull yourself out of this pit you are sinking into.  I know the thought of your life ending is a welcome one.  You are hanging on by a thread, a thread that has worn thin. 
But it is not over.  This is not the end.  I know it is hard to believe but you will make it through this.  The rain will stop and the sun will shine again . You will laugh again.  You will feel joy and happiness.  The medication will work… keep taking it.  Your sanity will return.  You will begin to understand yourself and God in a whole new way.  You will take in a deep breath and feel as though you are breathing in God himself, taking in his goodness and love for you and his complete acceptance of you.  You will begin to feel whole and complete, even in your brokenness, and experience freedom you never dreamed possible.
And that guy, the one you think is totally crazy for dating you right now and should run for the hills?  He doesn’t run. In fact, he marries you.  Crazies and all.  He will be such a source of comfort and strength in your life.  A bright spot in the days ahead so be nice to him.  You will also have a couple of kids, who you will love more than you thought possible.   Oddly enough, they will also cause you to want to hide in the closet with the cordless phone and a large bottle of vodka (I should just write you a separate letter about all of that).
Although it seems impossible, good will come out of this.  It is going to totally change the way you see yourself and the way you see God.  It will give you an understanding about mental illness that you never had before.  You will have more compassion and empathy for others who are struggling.  And, if you are brave enough to share your story about what you went though (and continue to go through) maybe it can give a little hope to those who feel hopeless.  A ray of sunshine to those in the darkness because the darkness can feel really dark.  And maybe some comfort for those who feel so alone in their pain.  To know they are not alone and that there are people who understand. Who have been there.  Who have survived.
Love, Me