The past few weeks have been really hard for me. I am confronting some difficult things in
therapy. It has been overwhelming to say
the least. At times, it feels as though
it will consume me…eat me alive. Some of
what I am dealing with has to do with feeling like I am not allowed to make
mistakes. That I should know
better. That I am clueless and
stupid. These feelings come from long
ago…
As a child, I heard “What
are you stupid?” from my father often.
And if he didn’t say it outright, it was implied when I did something ‘wrong’.
Most of the ‘wrong’ things I did were
task related. I remember trying to carry
too many things upstairs at once and them falling all over the place. This type of thing would warrant a “What are
you stupid?” from my Dad. He never
seemed to be interested in my thought process (making one trip instead of two
seemed pretty smart to me) but focused on how I did it ‘wrong’. Wrong meaning ‘not the way he would do it’. I
heard similar things from my Mother as well but in a much different way. Where my Dad was focused on tasks, my Mom was
focused on the relational aspects that I screwed up in. For as far back as I can remember, my Mom
suffered from depression. Actually, we
all suffered from her depression. She
could be really moody and I spent a good amount of my childhood walking on egg shells
and trying to figure out how to change her bad moods to good ones. I also felt like
I had to be a mind reader. I have such
strong memories of asking my Mom what was wrong… why was she upset and the
response I would get was, “You don’t
know? Well, go think about it!”
Awesome. Obviously, I didn’t know, that’s
why I asked. Unfortunately, my take away
was that I was thoughtless and stupid for not knowing what I had done
wrong. Consequently, I began to assume
that everything MUST be my fault and I would own other people’s emotions and
feelings. I thought this was normal and
right.
So, here I am. A 42
year old woman, wrestling with some difficult demons. Feeling really fucked up. Being really hard on myself. And I am tired. I am tired of trying to NOT mess up. I am tired of feeling like I have to be
perfect. I am tired of hearing “You are
so stupid” and “You are so thoughtless” in my head when I feel like I have
messed up.
As I mentioned before, facing this part of me, has been
overwhelming. Sometimes, I can’t seem to
get my barrings and have no idea where to start. Maybe I need to begin by embracing my imperfections. To acknowledge that I am not
perfect and NEVER will be. And nor do I
have to be. That I am a broken person
who is in a process. And sometimes, that
process is beautiful and sometimes it is ugly.
Maybe I need to keep telling myself that God fully loves and accepts me
in this process. That it is okay for me
to accept and love myself, imperfections and all.
I don’t know where this road is going to take me but I know
that I have to go down it. I have to
face these demons, no matter how terrifying they are to me. I have a feeling it is going to lead to some
long awaited freedom and to an understanding of God’s love and grace toward me
in a way I have yet to know.
