Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Red Squirrel...

I hate red squirrels.  I hate them with a passion.  They may be cute but let me assure you, they are evil.

Years ago, I met the devil himself.  Not in Hell, but in my bathroom.  We have an old house and at the time, our roof had developed a leak.  The ceiling in our bathroom was a ‘tile type’ of ceiling.  Sort of like a suspended ceiling.  So, when the water leaked in from the roof, it caused some of the tiles to separate. The leak was so bad that when we had a heavy rain we had to tack up a shower curtain (it was a pretty pink one) and channel the water into the sink.  Man, those were good times…
It wasn’t long after, that I noticed the ceiling tile seemed to be coming apart from the seams.  Shortly after that, I noticed the cats were spending an abnormal amount of time in the bathroom.  Then it appeared that someone or something was continually knocking things over onto the bathroom floor.  Then he appeared.  I watched him escape certain death from the jaws of our ferocious feline and disappear through the hole in the ceiling tile. 
We tried to block up the hole but the damn squirrel kept chewing at the tile to get in (I even tried duct tape…talk about ghetto).  This little game went on for quite some time.   Then finally, the day of reckoning arrived and the showdown began. 

There we were, face to face.  I was standing across the room, next to the door (which was closed by this time).  He was perched on our pink sink.  His eyes met mine and that is when it happened.  He spread out his arms and lunged at me.  Now it just got personal.  Game on my little friend….GAME ON.  For those of you who don’t know, our bathroom is huge.  It is actually a combination bathroom/laundry room and the walls are a type of weird textured wooden panel which gave the squirrel a distinct advantage.  But I was determined.  I would not lose to such vermin.  So, with a wooden stick in one hand and a plastic laundry basket in the other a chased that damn thing all around the bathroom (I may have been yelling and screaming during this stage of the process). 

Did I mention that my husband was in the kitchen holding our screaming 3month old,  yelling to me, “ Will you PLEASE just leave it alone and get out of there!?!?!” to which I responded something to the effect of, “ Hell NO!  I’m ‘gonna’ get him!”  That poor man.  When he said, “I Do” he had no idea what he was getting into.
Shortly after this brief verbal exchange, Big Red pulled a matrix type move and was literally running across the wall (no joke; I think it was the texture in the wooden wall paneling).  Luckly, I was there with my laundry basket and was able to catch him….on the wall.  That’s right, I was holding the basket against the wall with a trapped, pissed off, angry red squirrel in it. In the 10 seconds I had to think about what to do next, the squirrel manage to chew through the plastic netting and proceed to use my arm and back as an escape bridge. 

At this point I just started to cry and heeded my husband’s advice to ‘get out of there’.  We called Fish & Game who sent a lovely gentleman to our door.  He was able to catch our little friend within 5 mins (who knew a little trap would be easier than chasing it around with a stick).  Since the squirrel had scratched me, they would need to test for rabies. Which meant they would have to cut its’ head off.  Usually, I would feel bad about this sort of thing but not this time. Nope, he had it coming.

As the Fish & Game man drove away and Big Red prepared to meet his Maker, I headed off to the doctor’s office for a tetanus shot. Clearly, there were no winners that day.

Even now, as I think of that day, all that comes to mind is “Damn you little Red Squirrel….damn you.”


  1. Elizabeth Larson-DiPippoOctober 10, 2012 at 11:47 AM

    I can see it all in my minds eye. Hilarious. (well not the part where you get a tetanus shot, but the rest....hilarious.)

  2. Thanks for the laugh. I can see the entire event unfold as you tell it. I have had my share of squirrels in the house and they are fast little buggers. Thank goodness I have managed to stay far enough away to avoid the shot part of your story. Keep the fun coming lady!!

  3. Great story! I kept expecting you to say "...and isn't that kind of like our walk with God? We keep trying to contain him, but he chews his way through whatever box we try to put him in. He's like a wild animal!"

    1. You crack me up! Never even thought of a spiritual parallel...what have I become? I have neglected my training!

  4. I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time, but that was quite the funny story (at least on the hearing it side). I could envision every step of the story as I read it. Great job recreating it.

  5. You have the same sentiments as my wife, Kathy. She really hates squirrels as well. This cute little thing surprised her when she was busying herself with the attic. She screamed so loud like she had seen Grim Ripper! Haha! Anyway, I think that tiny mammal made a passageway though your tiles. Have you considered repairing it, though?

    Richard Boles

    1. There is something about those little guys that illicit that type of response huh? This happened back in 2003... and I am happy to say that it is fixed and no more squirrels! Although we have a a bat and a couple of snakes!