Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Broken..


The past few weeks have been really hard for me.  I am confronting some difficult things in therapy.  It has been overwhelming to say the least.  At times, it feels as though it will consume me…eat me alive.  Some of what I am dealing with has to do with feeling like I am not allowed to make mistakes.  That I should know better.  That I am clueless and stupid.  These feelings come from long ago…

As a child, I heard “What are you stupid?” from my father often.  And if he didn’t say it outright, it was implied when I did something ‘wrong’.  Most of the ‘wrong’ things I did were task related.  I remember trying to carry too many things upstairs at once and them falling all over the place.  This type of thing would warrant a “What are you stupid?” from my Dad.  He never seemed to be interested in my thought process (making one trip instead of two seemed pretty smart to me) but focused on how I did it ‘wrong’.  Wrong meaning ‘not the way he would do it’.   I heard similar things from my Mother as well but in a much different way.  Where my Dad was focused on tasks, my Mom was focused on the relational aspects that I screwed up in.  For as far back as I can remember, my Mom suffered from depression.  Actually, we all suffered from her depression.  She could be really moody and I spent a good amount of my childhood walking on egg shells and trying to figure out how to change her bad moods to good ones. I also felt like I had to be a mind reader.  I have such strong memories of asking my Mom what was wrong… why was she upset and the response I would get was, “You don’t know?  Well, go think about it!” Awesome.  Obviously, I didn’t know, that’s why I asked.  Unfortunately, my take away was that I was thoughtless and stupid for not knowing what I had done wrong.  Consequently, I began to assume that everything MUST be my fault and I would own other people’s emotions and feelings.  I thought this was normal and right. 

So, here I am.  A 42 year old woman, wrestling with some difficult demons.  Feeling really fucked up.  Being really hard on myself.  And I am tired.  I am tired of trying to NOT mess up.  I am tired of feeling like I have to be perfect.  I am tired of hearing “You are so stupid” and “You are so thoughtless” in my head when I feel like I have messed up. 

As I mentioned before, facing this part of me, has been overwhelming.  Sometimes, I can’t seem to get my barrings and have no idea where to start.  Maybe I need to begin by embracing  my imperfections. To acknowledge that I am not perfect and NEVER will be.  And nor do I have to be.  That I am a broken person who is in a process.  And sometimes, that process is beautiful and sometimes it is ugly.  Maybe I need to keep telling myself that God fully loves and accepts me in this process.  That it is okay for me to accept and love myself, imperfections and all. 

I don’t know where this road is going to take me but I know that I have to go down it.  I have to face these demons, no matter how terrifying they are to me.  I have a feeling it is going to lead to some long awaited freedom and to an understanding of God’s love and grace toward me in a way I have yet to know.

10 comments:

  1. When I read your post I was reminded of a passage from The Shack. In the book the main character Mack is talking to God and asks God, “Why me? Why do you love someone who is such a screw up? After all the things I’ve felt in my heart toward you and all the accusations I’ve made, why would you even bother to keep trying to get through to me?"
    God’s response in the book is awesome! God says this, “Because that is what love does. I am trying to teach you how not to hide inside lies. Let’s say that I know it will take you forty-seven situations before you will actually hear me—that is before you will hear me well enough to agree with me and change.
    So when you don’t hear me the first time, I’m not frustrated or disappointed. I’m thrilled! Only forty-six more times to go!” God never gives up on us! God only loves us.

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    1. Those words and that truth of them is like a salve to my wound Josh... thank you.

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  2. Kathy Harter, you make me weep. This is so incredibly beautiful. Again, thank you for laying open your soul and sharing your story. While I know this is for your own healing process, this speaks so much to me and those same feelings, those same judgements of myself. I was and, probably still am, always trying to please people, to be perfect, to make it all better for everyone else. In the process, I stuff my feelings so as not to upset anyone, not make anyone mad. While I didn't suffer from clinical depression, I was often in a bad mood which I contribute to hormonal imbalance. Sadly, my own girls suffered from my moodiness and I passed on those all those same feelings of inadequacy and the need to be perfect and questioning, "what did I do wrong to make Mom mad?" to them. I hope they have forgiven me.
    However, here I am at 67 and I still haven't forgiven myself. So today, because of you, I will begin. I admit I'm not perfect, never will be and no one else is either. GOD IS! And He loves me in my imperfection. Thank you Kathy. I will pray for you AND for me as we journey.

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    1. Kathy, you have been so encouraging to me and my blog... thank you... it gives me the courage to keep going! What you shared brought tears to my eyes.... we are broken people being made whole and there in NOTHING that compares to that. Nothing.

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  3. "Actually, we all suffered from her depression." Yes oh yes. Clearly what we grow up with has a profound effect on every fiber of our being. Here's to freedom. God is throwing it out like a life line to you and there is all kinds of fabulousness on the other side. Go get it!!

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  4. God made you, he made all of us (you know I am included in this here) imperfect. If he wanted us to be perfect, he simply could have made us that way. Yet he chose to allow us to make mistakes, to learn, to grow, to grow towards him, and others, in this love. God made you Kathy, and you are more than worthy of His love. He says so.

    I LOVED the book The Shack, that Josh mentioned. Read it a few months after Ethan died - it helped my healing process and supported my spiritual growth.

    This post, as you are, is beautiful and honest. Thank you for it. The friend and therapist in me says you should be proud of yourself for tackling this on. It is through challenge and pain, sometimes, that growth and peace are born. I love you my friend.

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    1. Thank you for your encouragment, your love and friendship Annie. I have read the book... it might be time for a re-read....

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  5. Love you, Kathy. Thanks for writing about this. -Sally

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