I have had a hard time making decisions for myself. Always wanting to know what others’ thought I should do. So afraid of making a mistake. So afraid of disappointing others...of disappointing God. I doubt my own thoughts, intuition and experiences. I have allowed people to treat me poorly and take advantage of my generosity. To my own detriment, have I allowed spiritual leaders to manipulate and control me, all in the name of God. I have been silenced, minimized, shamed and blamed. I’m tired of it. I have had enough.
Something amazing happened over this past year. I found my voice. A still small voice, buried inside myself. And it is pissed off. Pissed off at how I have been treated. Pissed off at being silenced. But mostly, pissed off at myself, for letting it all happen. The truth is, I couldn’t have stopped it. I didn’t know how. No one every taught me. So, I am learning now. Learning how to speak up for myself, instead of owning someone else’s bad behavior. Learning to value my thoughts and opinions. Learning to trust my intuition. And realizing I don’t have to justify my decisions to anyone. It is very freeing.
Funny thing about finding your voice, once you start using it, it doesn’t want to shut up. It wants to tell people what it thinks about everything. It wants to speak for people whose voices have been silenced. To speak for the people that have yet to discover their own voice. Sometimes, can be kind of ugly. Like I am engaging in a fight. Which makes sense right? I am assuming this is all part of the process and once my voice gets comfortable, this angst will subside. That peace will come. You know the kind. It comes when you realize you no longer need to prove to others that you are okay. When you are free to be who you are… and that who you are is enough.